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The Power of the Pause

Why stepping back helps your middle schooler step up. Learn the power of 'Le Pause' - the French-inspired parenting approach that builds resilience.

Lizzie Rogal

• 5 min read
The Power of the Pause

As a longtime middle school educator who is now also a parent of two young children, I’ve observed, often with a chuckle,  that many early childhood parenting strategies are transferable into the world of early adolescence. One example is the concept of Le Pause, first made famous in the bestselling book Bringing Up Bébé, about author Pamela Drukerman’s experience raising her small children in France:

Waiting is the key: the French do not do instant gratification. It starts more or less at birth. When a French baby cries in the night the parents go in, pause, and observe for a few minutes. They know that babies’ sleep patterns include movements, noises and two-hour sleep cycles, in between which the baby might cry. Left alone it might “self-soothe” and go back to sleep… From The Guardian

While the focus of Drukerman’s hilarious memoir is the socialization and development of her newborn, I’ve found myself leveraging Le Pause in my work with middle school students and coaching middle school parents. 

Why the Pause Works Magic for Adolescents 

When we spend time with middle schoolers, we can be caught off-guard by both the timing and content of what they share with us. We’re startled by the “advanced” quality of what they’re suddenly observing, sensing, or challenging. They might be exploring power dynamics in a new way, or feeling increasingly fearful of failing academically. These feelings are developmentally on track, but can be difficult for middle school parents to know how to respond to. As loving, supportive caregivers, it makes sense that our first instinct is to jump in and offer care, to fix what’s hard, and share solutions. 

But, when we pause before jumping in, something beautiful happens. That uncomfortable silence you're feeling? Your child is filling it with their own thoughts, processing their emotions, and starting to problem-solve on their own.

Research backs this up beautifully. Studies show that parental autonomy support – essentially giving kids space to make decisions and solve problems – is directly linked to higher motivation, better well-being, and greater satisfaction with their choices. When we support their autonomy instead of swooping in, we're literally helping them develop the internal compass they'll need for life.

The Pause in Action

So what does a good pause actually look like? It's not just standing there like a deer in headlights (though I have been there, with both my own little children, and the middle schoolers I’ve worked with!) Here are some pause-worthy responses:

Instead of: "Oh no! Let me email your teacher right now!" Try: "That sounds really frustrating. What do you think might help?"

Instead of: Racing to deliver the forgotten lunch/homework/project to school Try: "Hmm, what are your options when you forget something at school?"

Instead of: Immediately calling the other parent about friend drama Try: "Friend stuff can be so hard. How are you thinking about handling it?"

These responses acknowledge their feelings while gently tossing the problem-solving ball back into their court. 

But What If They Fail?

What if we pause, and they actually can’t figure it out on their own? What if they make the wrong choice after we stand aside, and then end up getting a zero on an assignment, or causing a conflict with a friend that needs to be resolved? 

Here's the truth that's both terrifying and liberating: they might fail. And that's not only okay – it's necessary. Middle school is the perfect time for low-stakes failures. A forgotten permission slip in seventh grade is way better than a missed job interview in their twenties.

The research on "helicopter parenting" – that over-involved, problem-solving-for-them approach – shows some concerning patterns. Studies document difficulties in emotional regulation, academic productivity, and social skills among children raised by helicopter parenting. When we don't let them experience manageable challenges now, we deprive our kids of the opportunity to be creative, to problem solve, to develop coping skills, to build resilience.

Even more striking, one study of more than 300 college students found that children of hovering parents had poorer scores for psychological well-being and were more likely to use prescription medication for anxiety or depression. The very thing we're trying to protect them from – struggle and discomfort – turns out to be exactly what they need to develop resilience.

The Long Game

Post-pandemic, I observed that many parents struggled more than ever to be comfortable with their children’s discomfort. The sense was “they went through something so hard, and isolating. They missed out on so much.”  I completely understand that sentiment, and I am hopeful, that despite the challenges that exist in the world that they’ll navigate as adults, that building resilience now will serve them later. That giving them room for discomfort is essential for their longer-term thriving. 

Research shows that parental autonomy restricting behaviors during adolescence actually predicts greater levels of dependency on parents in emerging adulthood. In other words, when we don't let them practice independence now, we're setting them up to need us more later – exactly the opposite of what we want for them.

Every time you pause, you're making a deposit in their confidence account. You're telling them, "I trust you to figure this out." And kids have an amazing way of rising to meet our expectations.

Making Peace with the Pause

The pause isn't about abandoning your child to figure everything out alone. You're still there, still supportive, still ready to help when they truly need it. The difference is that you're letting them tell you what they need instead of assuming you know.

Some days, after they've talked through their problem, they might ask for your advice. Other days, they might just need you to listen. And the best: they might come up with a solution that's actually better than what you would have suggested.

The Extra Bonus! 

The pause isn't just good for them. It's good for you too. It takes the pressure off you to have all the answers and fixes all the problems. It reminds you that your job isn't to create a perfect path for your child – it's to help them become someone who can navigate any path they choose.

So here's to the Le Pause! Here's to the beautiful, uncomfortable, growth-filled space between problem and solution. Here's to raising kids who don't just survive middle school, but learn to thrive in it.

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